Becoming an "Unknown”,  Becoming “Disown”….. 

Realities of an expat life

Any idea what's expat life really like after the initial enthusiasm fades away? For many Sri Lankan citizens living abroad, being Sri Lankan is about so much more than simply being resident in our country. It doesn’t matter where they live, Sri Lankan's are still a part of Sri Lankan society, retaining strong cultural and social ties with their families at home and helping to build businesses abroad. For some of us it’s a big adventure comes after ages of researching, planning and dreaming of living somewhere faraway place.  For many of us it is a job transfer or a new opportunity. But living the expat life is not always glamorous as most of us thinking.  

Over the past eight months different people including my friends, students, co-workers and sometimes unknown people from different backgrounds from different continents have questioned me about the experience or the realities that I have discovered living in a new country.

Some directly asking: How I am making a life for myself in Bangladesh? How is my job? Was I scared to give up my career and my entire life to start this new journey? How did I make my mind finally to make this big move? And how my family and close once reacted to my decision?

Its similar the questions came from all the parties. It’s similar the way they word it. It’s similar the curiosity they have to know my answers. Even these people are from different parts of the world, literally hundreds and thousands of kilometers away from each other and even some of them have no clue about each other they all had the same enthusiasm to know what I am going to say. So I think it’s time for me to open my heart about how I really feel about being an expat.

I’ll try to be honest as much as possible in shearing my experience. These are all my personal experience and how I perceive things, people and incidents not the general experience of all expats living in Bangladesh. There are people who are living here nearly 20 years and they might have totally different experience than mine.  But I am sure that we all have/had the same natural reactions to all this worry, confusion and anxiety of spending first few months here. And I am sure we all had that one gut feeling in our heart when we made this decision. That this is my “Big Move” the life changing adventure where I am going to change my entire life or that I am going to find something new.

After completing my higher studies to a certain extent and after passing few life events I really wanted a break. I was wondering that is this the life I wanted.  Automatically it came in to my consciousness that I can do better and this is not exactly what I wanted. I felt an explainable void and an indescribable need for new air, new scenery, new people and new everything. And to be quite honest I didn't want some of the part of the life that I had and I really wanted to get over from those such as my boasting neighborhood, from dirty office politics, badly from cracked horrible female bosses and from so called Sri Lankan social and culturally timid mindset. Though if it meant giving up a lucrative career, a strong financial and professional safeguard and for a certain extent all my social and family interactions and bonding. I was prepared to start all over again and was willing to start again from the beginning. I am sure most of you will agree with me and u might say “yes that is ok”.

This is about the temporary expats in South East Asia and Middle East region. Those who have rented their houses and properties back in homeland and who have doing jobs in somewhere in Middle East or South East Asia with the hope of they will go back to their mother land one day. It’s an excellent opportunity in life for kids to experience the life through different eye. They can experience the new culture and the vibrant colors in life but it’s almost a night mare for adults who are stepping to a completely new place in the middle of life with a fully blank state. In that case few of following incidents are highlighting.

• If the country is commonly use English as a communication medium then that will be little bit of relief for any expat at the beginning. Because we all have common idea of how to manage things and where we can get language help when necessary. But if you move to a country, where you don't know the language, you will feel as if you're starting life over from the beginning of adulthood. It’s like going back to school to learn things again to earn credentials to open up the work possibilities of your adopted homeland. So it’s a must that u need to take language lessons and collecting the essential ingredients to hold on.
• 
  
• Moving to the newly found job: Your way of “earning for living”. That is hilarious and jobs are jobs in everywhere and bosses are bosses all the time. Even if you cross oceans and risk every single thing in your life, job having the same nature in everywhere. It might be worse than your previous experience because your new job prospects might not only consider the local context but also be very alarming about international context such as global financial crisis and commercial trend changes.  So now you are a part of a global problem not a local problem.  Try not to trick yourself into thinking, "I hate my desk job so I'll move abroad and never enter an office again." Or the other great misconception: you'll walk right into the same standard of living that you enjoyed back home. In reality, you will probably revert to 10 years earlier and plant your roots in the soil of a younger you and you will work 12 hours a day and 6 days per week. You will most probably regain your standard of living but it’s questionable that you really earning the self-satisfaction you badly wanted.
• 
  
• If you come to a country where you don't speak the common languages, then you will not only prepare yourself from the beginning but you'll also have no friends or family. If you're like me, you'll know no one, not a single soul, when you walk off the plane. Periods of extreme loneliness are unavoidable. The key is to get yourself out of your apartment and just keep going: get up each day, and get outside no matter how frightening it is to walk into a world of confusing jumble all around you. Most of us are here leaving family and friends back home. We are watching their lives move on through FB and Viber, emails and telephone calls. So we can’t them to visit us whenever we want. We need to be prepared ourselves to miss the close ones and the things we love to do.
• 
  
•  You need bit of flexibility. You will need bit of humbleness and modesty because becoming a part of another culture is quite different experience thus it’s a unique process. You have to redefine your set mindset about people, culture, and society, how life should be lived, and your own perceptions about yourself. Just imagine an individual who have experience the love, affection every day then just woke up another day in a small apartment or a studio, in a strange place where nobody knows that you exists.

At the end once the excitement and fear is over we all hope we will start a new life and we will be free from our old one but that is wrong. We all will still wake up with ourselves everyday with all the memories of what we have taken away and trying to run for an escape.  Your broken relationships, missing children, memory of someone so close died so young, broken promises, messed up career, your family: those things will not disappear magically or within a second. It's easy to get lost 2000 or 4000km away from everyone you've ever known. And you will get homesick, even if it's your family from whom you've run away. With time sometimes you'll build a new family, you will meet new friends, find a better job than what you did previously, and live a life. But remember you still have to clean the bathroom floor every once in a while, you have to mob the house every week, take out the garbage in the morning and pay the bills no matter where you live. Life, at some basic level, is the same everywhere.

Starting over at 25 or 45 or 55 after your retirement - young is as much about realizing more of yourself than it is about seeking new adventures in a new, unknown, unfamiliar far off destination. Always…always you have to let go of your former built up self to an extent and you have to allow changes to happen, all the while holding on to what is essentially you. What you are giving up in progression and stability, you are gaining in life experience and adventure. That's the reality of it. And we tolerate all unpleasantness while hoping that time heals all wounds. 

Practice the pause

Are we really pausing ourselves? Do you ever try doing that….? 

Before Judging ……

Have you ever thrown dirty looks for a girl who is wearing a short skirt where you can see her panty lines? Or you never nodded to a friend about someone’s story of relationship or career breakdown? Yes we do right… I did it several times. Yes I have been judgmental until I start suffering from others being judgmental about me.

Being judgmental is not a behavior it’s a psychological fact that we judge others because we need to feel better about ourselves. That gives us a feeling of superiority or secureness in short run. But unfortunately in long run the feeling of that “we never good enough” create our mind a hell.

So be aware of your behavior, Start noticing the thoughts you have about others, believe in yourself because you are insanely brainy, kind, talented, friendly, strong, charming, spirited, reliable, amusing, and cool. So there is no need for you to judge others. Always put yourself in someone else's shoes you will see the world from different eye and you will learn to be empathetic and understandable. Stop gossiping and watch your language. We can make a choice that whether we are with them or we leave them without judging. When we do that we feel good we feel happy about ourselves that we want people to be as they are not as we want. Judging someone else will not ease our mine or will not feel any good. Let few people to annoy you…. because one day you will be thankful for them for making who you are…. 

Before Assuming

Making assumptions is a very common practice for most of us. It’s always a belief without a proof. Don’t go after common assumptions like money can buy you anything and world is all about us… those are nonsense. Because deep down in our heart we know we can’t buy everything we need and other than “me” there are lot more. However, in our normal day-to-day life we often don’t stop and take the time that we should to inquire about what someone else means or is trying to say. Instead of that we assume. Our selfishness leads us towards the short cuts and finally us ends up with shitty meaningless assumptions about people and everything around us. Why can’t we be patience enough for others to let themselves reveal in front of us. Your assumptions always represent your attitudes. You must not take anything for granted if you are targeting to be a great human.  According to Stephen Covey “we simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be.”  But we all know that it is not correct. So follow nothing blindly. Do or say nothing without trying to understand. Be open minded always.  Your assumptions are your doors to the world. Open it, polish it, and simply renovate it once in a while, or the darkness will remain and light won't come in.

Before Accusing

Today more than we hear “It’s not you, it's me" we hear "It's not me, it's you!". Life is always a game and we are the players. People feel stressed for variety of reasons, not only just because they fear being found out. Other than the reasons of being dishonest, cheating misusing you etc. we accuse people and everything surrounded by us for so many different reasons. Most of times we accuse people and others things when we feel guilt about ourselves not for anything else. Our actions of accusing will make others to feel confused, violated, misunderstood, unheard, guilt and many more. You need to control yourself. It’s good if you can think twice or if you can take a deep breath before splitting your anger or distress or irritation for someone else because it will prevent you from regretting later about your own actions. Why we create a chance to suffer the whole lifetime wishing we could take back our words? because  you deserve so much better.

Before React Harshly

Sometimes your intention is always very innocent but unknowingly you act very harshly for people. That is because sometimes your mouth acts faster than your brain. Becoming mindful and having self-awareness is a must for healthy life and to manage healthy relationships. Reactions always doesn’t need to be quick. Giving few extra seconds can make a big difference to your life as well as to the lives surrounded by you. Quick reactions makes others unhappy and make situations and things worse for us.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...............................................

At the end of the day all these things will make life enjoyable, peaceful and hassle free. It will make your mind free from guilt and you will be a person who unconditionally kind and lovable… You will never regret about who you are and you will feel proud about your journey….  See how wonderful is that…

Life beyond Buttons, Needles and “Jippers”  J L J

How much money is important for life? … Can anyone: answer how money changes life? … Change everything? … Can we do anything about that? …. We are living in a world where we come up with answers and clarifications for every single matter but I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to give an exact answer for this question…..

I am very glad for the person who pinch my mind to write this… since we live in a world where we are not anymore bothers to think how others  feel… there is no wonder where most of us not noticing this freaky part of life…   So this is a story of people who hunt happiness among coins and notes…. Story of young men and women who scarifies the best time of their life to earn wealth for their loved once… story of youth who lost their emotions and who lost themselves…

I met him after long time…. With blurred scrawled face of emotions… well-built good looking guy with unreadable face (trying harder, putting an extra effort while verifying nobody is reading him) …. We all are running our own battle to live. Some playing it in their own lands where they born and grown up but some stop at other corner of the world where they have never smell the joy of that soil. So this story is about the professionals who temporarily lives in other countries to build the future of their loving once.

Bangladesh is a country surrounding by two giants: one commercially, one historically. Even the country is bigger in land rich in water; it’s a country with mixed hybrid culture. Highly populated cities…..numerous health issues… child labor, under age marriages and prostitution created a different cultural experience where you can’t experience in any other country in eastern world.   

The backbone of the economy is apparel. They do all types of manufacturing, assembling, packing etc. in apparel. So the foreign labor involvement is very popular and strong. Majority is from Sri Lanka. There are around 13000 Sri Lankan's who works in Dhaka & Chittagong. Most of them are young adults where age around 25 to 40. Even they getting paid in Dollars this is not UK… not any other blossomy country in Europe. Even they wear TOMMY or OLD NAVY this is not a road in Milan or in Barcelona. Even they spray Bleu De Chanel or Paco Rabanne no one is there to smell them sincerely… fill their heart from the fragrance and to induce in a sweet coma. These roads are dusty noisy and busy. People are innocent poor and uneducated. Breeze is warming dry and empty. So it’s about them who spend the golden times of their life in an unknown land to find laughter and joy for their dear ones… 

Most of countries in Asia still suffering from poverty. It’s same for us also. After 30 years of civil war still the economic conditions are not stable. As same as all other developing nations we too suffer from all life struggles. Fortunately our knowledge and skills are highly recognized all over the world. So we have big demand for employment. This pay solves most our problems. So we are coming here to hide among buttons, needles and “jippers” (Zippers).

They smell the scent of cotton but forget to inhale the life. They taste the sweetness of coins but never the taste of self-love. They became the victims of circumstance….. Suffering from loneliness, sadness fear, hopelessness and anxiety. Life is different and difficult here but fortunately we are not bothered to accept it. As he words it “we get sold every day for the highest price”.  Question is “is it worth?” most of them are less confident to struggle with happiness and more confident to fight against life matters. They have suggested to them self that it would be safer if they scarified their today for their tomorrow. This reflection rattled them.

Sometimes it is the best thing that ever can happen to an individual where getting lost in a large and unfamiliar city.  Coz it gives us a chance to discover who we are and what we really need in our life. But it is not happening all the time. In the world where we live, thinking we are the center of world gives an automatic consciousness that why we bother about others or why we bother about what we really need. The environment and the circumstances created a situation where we think that we can buy anything….annnnnny thing if we have enough money. Finally money became the ultimate goal and everything else just words without meaning.

It is sad that their individual identity is being consumed by the external forces and they have lost the consciousness of self-worth.  As far as I believe career is something that can help someone to make their own choices and when they do those choices won’t cause any harm to their inner personality. We lost in the middle and unfortunately we lost ourselves forever.  In a way they are selfless people who do lifesaving work and expect nothing other than the happiness of their dear ones. So how come I call him selfish or how come I’ll be judgmental. Life is not fair that’s what all I can say. How come we expect them to cry, laugh or love for someone unknown or for something lifeless when they have limit all their human interactions to whatsApp, Viber and FB. Knowingly or unknowingly we used to recognize the emoji’s but failed to realize the lines in the face of the person who is sitting next to us.  We listen to loud music but not sensitive to the long gasps of the loved once. We asked people to be polite, be committed, be honest but never bother to think why people can’t be sometimes.   

With all this they are great humans. Who lost but not for them. According to Willibald Ruch, a psychology professor at the University of Zurich who researches the effects of character strengths such as gratitude and humor, “gratitude does have a good impact on happiness, that it increases life satisfaction”.  So be sincere to them. Be grateful to them.  Coz for them your gratitude is how you connect yourself to them, and their gratitude is seeing themselves in connection with things larger than themselves. 

The Caprice: Life beyond Buttons, Needles and “Jipperes”

The Caprice: Life beyond Buttons, Needles and “Jipperes”:   How important is money for life? … Can anyone answer how money changes life? … Changes everything? … Can we do anything about that? …...

Globalization & the new era of “Tea and Silk” relationship 

(Sri Lankan Tourism for Chinese market)

You cannot live alone and at the same time you cannot develop without anyone’s help. The life support is integrated and we all depends on each other.  Today the world population is about 7 billion and 1/3 of the population is representing by India and China. So the market potential is huge for everything and there are huge number of producers all over the world. Therefore countries coming up with various plans and using different tools to grab the opportunity and to enjoy the benefit.  One who successfully identified this potential and the one who quickly grab that opportunity is China. Therefore in today’s world market, they are the cost leader and we call this is “China Phobia”. Another example is Taiwan. Taiwan is a small by land than Sri Lanka and its population is also not more than 10 million. Still they have using a new technology and now they are exporting High-Tec products to Indian & Chinese markets. They are able to remain the position of market leaders for the above exports. So now it is time for us to think more about this situation. More about how to deal with globalization and how to grab the opportunity.

In the 12^th century explorer Marco Polo wrote that Sri Lanka was the finest island in the whole world. Due to our greeneries, wildlife & golden beaches, beautiful flora and fauna, well-known ancient cities, warm and pleasant culture and hospitality abide with eternal Buddhism and not last but least the finest Ceylon tea always made this small beautiful island unique and elegant from all other countries. With all instabilities, political messes and other international and local pressure activities, tourism is the timeliest and effective weapon we can used to face globalization. For centuries it had been a tourist destination. Potentially for European travelers.

Recently the Lanka civil war that spanned over 30 years ended in 2009 has had a negative impact on tourism & the growth of the industry stagnated. However, following this era, a resurgence in Sri Lanka as a tourist destination has been evident in 2012. Post office worldwide holiday costs, barometer named Sri Lanka as the best valued destination for holidays.

In 2016 Sri Lanka has been named as one of the top 10 travel destinations in the world by travel magazine. What we expect from tourism is for the benefit to treacle down to people in the country & want the private sector to get involved with tourism. In previous years Sri Lanka was famous among European tourist and more specifically among Russians and Germans. Today with the global population trend, the most potential customer segment is Chinese. In 2015 More than 120 million person- time Chinese people traveled abroad. In 2016, 30.2 million border crossing took place in the first quarter of the year. An increment of just 2.4% from the 29.5 million made during the same period in 2015. Chinese out bound tourists are young & willing to spend more & expecting relaxed visa policies said a report by the World Travel and Tourism Council. More than 70% of China’s out bound tourists were born after 1970s & 1980s with a compound annual growth of 20% for tourists in the past 5 years. Among the tourist 60% devoted about one day for shopping in a single trip spending 10344 Yuan ($1550) on average. The main attractions for Chinese tourists were natural landscape & historical sites, the reputation of a destination & social customs. Japan, South Korea, Thailand, Singapore, Britain, France, Germany, Italy, USA & Australia are the top destinations for outbound Chinese tourists. China is the world’s biggest outbound market & many countries including United States eyeing this market. We have to grab this opportunity.

Sri Lanka is still a mysterious place for most Chinese.  The latest researches reveal that short stays give peace of mind and better tolerance toward the harsh realities & difficulties of our fast paced lives which is essentially why the religious tourism has happened globally. According to a survey conducted in 2012 by the Beijing based horizon research consulting group has revealed that 85% of the people in china leads a spiritual life. The survey also revealed that the growth of Buddhism is extra ordinary, with almost 18% of 7021 respondents in the survey claiming to be believers which means that more than 200 million people in the country would believe in Buddhism, which gives us a view of the market opportunity. We have to concentrate on the Chinese tourists and it must be our main target to take measures to boost tourism. With that highlighted finding Sri Lanka will be a major beneficiary of the huge opportunity

A record breaking $215 billion was spent by Chinese travelers abroad last year. According to the world travel & tourism council (WTTC) this is 53 percent more than a year earlier. When Sri Lankan GDP is about 80 billion dollars the Chinese spend 215 billion dollars just for tourism. China’s massive middle class has been using its rising income to explore new destinations each year. Tourists from China prefer traveling around Asia when they leave the country for the first time. Europe & the US are popular options as well as countries with easier visa policies. A study found older travelers prefer organized group tours while the young tend to go abroad on their own, according to the reports. After trying the standard sports in nearby Asian countries, they were becoming more adventurous.

Many Chinese tourists are visiting Sri Lanka more than before. There is a lot of potential in the tourism industry judging by the tourists’ arrivals in the country where more than one million tourists arrived during past six months at a 16% increase from last year. Therefore tour companies have to hire Chinese speakers. Hotels have to learn how to make authentic Chinese food. Restaurants have to translate menus into Chinese. Sri Lanka has to start its own charter flights to bring big groups to Sri Lanka. Tourists are attracted to Sri Lanka’s old Buddhist temples, nice beaches, eco-tourism options and shopping.   Sri Lanka is coming back on the map with a better recognition therefore we can offer anything. It also found that 70% of tourists wish to simplify the visa process wanting fewer materials to be submitted & faster processing.

As Sri Lankan Tourist Board estimations hotel room will be increased to LKR 80000/- with tourist arrivals expected to reach 4.5 million and employers working for the tourism industry will also be increased up to 800000 by year 2020. So there is a bigger scope to increase Chinese tourist to Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka has a lot of potential as good as the Maldives to attract dozens of Chinese traveler but a group of top visiting travel agents says much needs to be done before this could be achieves. Some of those suggestions are included;

• There should be Chinese speaking guides & staff in hotels
• Needs to do a more promotion as the China know little but this country except may be black tea & elephant.
• Chinese language - travel brochures should also be available in Chinese language. Similar to French, German & English & also in hotels & other sites of interest.

Last year Sri Lanka attracted 200000 Chinese tourists. To increase the number year by year country can promote tourism under different categories. By taking the advantage of Chinese people prefer sport tourism Sri Lanka can promote as destination for sports tourism by highlighting the popular sports include golf, surfing, diving & snorkeling hot air balloon trip & rafting & canoeing, scuba diving, fishing, cycling, hiking, tracking & rock climbing. Secondly by taking the advantage of Chinese preference for Ceylon tea, country can promote its glorious tea culture. In the world, Sri Lanka is the 3^rd biggest tea producing country, The country is best known in the world market for “Pure Ceylon Tea” and it is considered as the one of the finest tea produced anywhere in the world. Thirdly the religion. Not last but the hottest point to promote Sri Lankan Tourism among Chinese people. The 2500 ancient history of Buddhism and the eternal Buddhist practices will capture the both body and soul of Chinese customers.

Travel destinations in Sri Lanka provide an arrange of holiday experience from seen kissed beach holidays to a marathon of wildlife watching, adrenaline pumping adventure sports & pilgrimage to some of the oldest cities in the world. Finally the golden beaches, rising waves, misty mountains, mighty elephants, stealthy leopards, giant whales, a majestic past, warm smiles could sum up a country, that would be Sri Lanka. With many sites & scenes bottled up in to a small island, a traveler could be riding the waves in the dawn & admiring the green carpeted mountains by dusk. The smiles & hospitality of Sri Lanka is world famous. Spicy foods, exotic fruits & array sweetmeats found nowhere in the world. With so many cultures living next to each other life in Sri Lanka continues among a series of festivals throughout the year & ideal recipe for fun & leisure. So why not we share this wonder with world?

                                                                                                                                          

Family breakdowns and its impact on children

Key words: Marriage, Cohabitation, Surrogacy, Separation & Divorce

Today’s children’s are the tomorrow’s future. From generation to generation from decades to decades we believe this concept and we act according to that. For any country or for any nation their children are the most gifted asset to buildup beautiful tomorrow. With all developments, changes and innovations today we are in a turning point that we priorities materialistic gains than moral and emotional satisfactions. Among that unfortunately we forgot the beauty of life, we forgot the beauty of sentiments, relationships and beauty between the connections among humans. No debate that demographic and social changes in the last three four decades have created more diverse and complex changes in family structure. As a result we experienced serious social issues than economic and financial crisis. Family breakdowns, parental separations, divorce, cohabitation became very common and its impact on children became a global issue for today’s societies.

Especially being an Asian nation we experienced dramatic changes socially as well as economically. One good example is shifting to nuclear families from extended families and losing the support system and mutual inter-dependency between blood relations, neighbors and friends. With the different strengths and weaknesses, personalities and temperaments, and varying degrees of social, emotional, and economic interaction and also with differing family situations each child and each family and their reasons to separation is unique. Divorce affects families and society in a numerous ways. As I mentioned before every family and every divorce is different. In today’s reality, divorce is both possible and allowable in modern society for different reasons and quite easy to obtain. According to the Department of Social Services in Sri Lanka the recorded divorces per day is 400 and its 0.15 per 1,000 people. Our society takes divorce for granted. Without understanding that the divorce should be the last possibility, current generation using it very easily to get away from the normal climax of their unhappy marriage.

There is a greater difference between “what is morally right according to the religious grounds, social customs and values in eastern world”, and “what is legally right as interpreted in the Marriages and Divorce Laws”. The law itself permits divorce for many reasons. It is, however, a matter of regret and concern that Sri Lankan society has switched into where divorce has become common day today practice. 

The eastern society, unlike any other community in the world, is composed of opposites and extremes compiling both beautiful and awful traditions, customs and values. From one end we find the educated and literate and on the other end its vastly ignorant and the illiterate. So we can see thousands of reasons why families became separated and why couple seeking divorce as the ultimate remedy. In modern society most of times there’s a trade-off between the choices of young adults and parents. One highlighted reason is most of the parents seeking educated and wealthy partners for their children without considering the choice of their children.  Secondly due to various social and economic tragedies young people ends up with mismatching marriages.  Thirdly due to the negligence of parents, young children ends up in teenage love affairs, teen pregnancy and other unbelievable social dilemmas where early marriage will be the only solution to settle things back to normal. Many parents misinterpreted the meaning of “marriage”. The ignorant parents use this as a technique to settle their overly spoiled children. They encourage kids to get married early before they are mature enough to face the responsibilities of adult life. These kids became inefficient in their family life and are unable to set up home of their own. Finally this rift the couple apart and will be end up as divorced couples. Other than above reasons some other social practices also creating grounds for family separations and divorce. One known practice is newly married couple starting their life with their in-laws. In Sri Lanka still we can see this custom where the newly-weds living with their in-laws even for years after marriage. Such situations, most of their wants are met and their problems ironed out by their in-laws, often create difficulties. Finally the influence of parents and parental interference lead to strained feelings between husband and wife who ultimately end in the divorce courts. Same time when such set up their own, it’s unable for them to meet the challenge and responsibility of marriage. This will create disappointment about each other and worsen situation is filing a divorce case or living separately.

Those are the so called popular reasons but not the only reasons. Social changes leads us to a different end and there are some developing trends in society where we still terrified to create a social debate or discuss in public such as cohabitation. It’s the darker side of globalization and the result of limitless commercialization. Being Asians it’s new to us and little bit too much to accept under the constructed social norms.

In current environment long term adult relationships are no longer limited to marriage; there are various other forms of adult relationships such as living together and having homosexual relationships. These concepts has become almost universal.  Even though these types are increasingly attractive to today’s younger generation, sociologically these behaviors create high risk to society while touching the boundaries of year’s old societal values and customs. More couples are cohabiting and becoming parents, though the risk of parental separation among this group is higher than among married parents; statistically cohabitation is four times more likely to break down than marriages and finally more than 40% of relationships ends up as single parents. Ultimately children suffers the most coz our society is not that much merciful for illegitimate kids. On the other hand these practices opens up doors for some other social distractions such as abortions, child and adult prostitution, child trade, child abuse & domestic violence etc.  

Instead of cohabiting another upcoming trend is single parenting through surrogacy.  Previously it was worked as a medical solution for infertile woman or couples which are not able to reproduce. Unfortunately today it became a trend and a fashion among high society and homosexual communities. Commercial surrogacy is legalized in most of countries.  Indian celebrities in the entertainment industry is a very good example for that. Most of Indian celebrities go to surrogate motherhood or fatherhood due to different reasons such as to maintain their body shapes and to avoid aging problems etc. Most of male celebrities adopting their own children through surrogacy without entering into a marital relationship. In that case it became a problem about who is responsible for these kids infant development. On the other hand with the time when these people committed with other relationships its questionable what is happening to these children. At the end of the day these kids end up as mentally damaged kids where poorly socialized and socially disabled.

Anyhow after all those separations, divorce, surrogate motherhood & fatherhood, most of parents undertake the battle of parenting with the belief that they will be able to provide the required emotional, physical and financial security for their children. But with the social and economic changes that associated with their family life always made these goals are much harder to achieve.

These challenges sometimes taking parents to the edge where they take decision which will solve their problems but will create negativism for the future of their kids. Due to the adjustments that parents need to make in their own lives when relationships fail and the necessity to look after their own psychological and social recovery means that they are less able to recognize the requirements of their children. As developing nations when we face the family separations and divorce, it’s very common that one of the partners (most of the times females) going through rough financial difficulties. And such conditions directly affecting to various other social and emotional conflicts of both separated partners and their children. Same time the parents who are the main caretakers (usually the mothers), even if relieved at reduced marital tension, face the challenges of greatly increased responsibilities and the loss of practical support both in household tasks and child discipline.  So family separations, divorce and staying with step families, relatives etc. creates different insecurities to our children & ends up with massive social problems. Children’s with tragic family separation experience terrible emotional breakdowns such as low self-esteem, low self-worth, anxiety etc.

However the outcomes of parent’s separation and divorce on children, range from slight to significant and from short-term to long-term damages. Parental conflict within the family, or after family breakdown, is most strongly associated with adverse outcomes for the children. Parental separation, leads to the exposure of the child to a range of other negative factors, the effects may be additive or even multiplicative and the child will become more vulnerable. These effects and concerns include;

• Mental and physical instabilities of children – serious health issues, behavioral & learning difficulties, emotional breakdowns
• Financial problems – most of times child custody goes to mother and it’s difficult for them to manage the finance.
• Loss of family - the company of current extended family and difficulties to deal with new family members (step-parents, step-brothers and sisters)
• Child abuse - this is more common when children have to stay with their stepfamilies or with relatives
• Tendencies for crime, drug abuse, teen pregnancy and suicide
• Higher rate of school drop-outs

There is a significant difference between children who experience parental separation compared with children from unbroken families. In third world countries where the proper system of re-habitation is not yet developed, children from family breakdowns experience poor outcomes such as poverty, parental conflict and domestic and social violence. It is a feature of today’s society that many children will experience family breakdown and that family structure will continue to be diverse.  So it’s a duty of all responsible parties including government to parents that develop a right and timely policies with the correct focus on supporting maternal mental health, facilitating cooperative parenting and proper communication between parents and their children, reducing and managing parental conflict, encouraging good parent-child relationships, and strategies to reduce financial hardship. That will be just some of the ways that may help to maximize positive child outcomes following parental separation and family breakdowns.

Anyway the root cause of the problem is largely a matters on individual approach, choice and the environment. After all we all are human beings with all our follies and foibles over the built boundaries and divisions of race, religion and ethnicity. Therefore our requirements expectations and ambitions are same only the thinking and our reactions may be conditional and different based on the society we live and the people we associate. Anyway the collapse of individual’s moral fiber reflect the collapse of the backbone of the society as a whole. Therefore it’s both individual and societal responsibility that creates a friendly caring and loveable environment for our children to build their future.

Reference

• “Divorce among Sri Lankan Muslims” By Dr. Fazal Mahmood
• “Impact of Family Breakdown on Children’s Well-Being” - Evidence Review Ann Mooney, Chris Oliver and Marjorie Smith Thomas Coram Research Unit Institute of Education, University of London
• “Parents, parenting, and family breakdown” by John H Tripp, & Monica CocketThe Department of Social Services, Sri Lanka
• www.nationmaster.com
• http://marriage.about.com/od/cohabitation/qt/cohabfacts.htm